WHAT I HAVE LEARNED IN TWO AND HALF YEARS SINCE THE LOSS OF MY SON
I Won't Stop Loving My Son
I do not believe there will ever come a moment in any given hour, day, week or year I will stop loving or thinking about my son. The same way any parent would never stop loving their child. Always and forever.
I want to speak about him, I want to hear his name, I want to share anything I can or think of about him the same way any parent would about their child. I just never get to experience those thoughts and dreams but I still want to speak about Tunu the same way any proud parent would, as normally and naturally as I possible can.
I had a son, nothing will ever change that. I love my son just as much as any parent loves theirs. The only difference is mine is dead and talking about him is uncomfortable and not really accepted in our society.
I hope I can help change with Tunu's 52.
My sons life was cut short, but the love I have for him and the life I want to live for him does not. Just because he is not here should not stop me from saying his name or dedicating my life and actions towards him.
I Connect With Other Parents Who Have Lost A Child, But Its Not The Same
It is rare, but there are a small group of people who have also experienced child-loss. Most people experience a loss that is 'typically' normally - a 'part of the natural process' or relatable, a parent, a grandparent, a loss of a sibling or close friend in tragic circumstances, you can typically relate. With most child-losses each circumstance is different and unrelatable, however those parents who have lost a child still share a special connection because they understand and know the pain that many others will never come close to.
It is hard to explain, but you see it in their eyes and you know they have been through the fire. It is a certain look, or glare but I know in my heart when I connect to someone who has also experienced child-loss, there is not many but they are out there. Even if we have never met before, could be passing in a hallway or waiting in line at a grocery store, we just share that connection, we just know in our hearts and always share that moment together.
No matter how different we are, or how different our circumstances are a parent who lost a child to another one shares a bond like no other.
They will always understand how deep the pain truly is, and how hard it is to carry everyday.
Nobody Has The Special Formula To Make It Go Away
It does not exist. 5-10-20-30 years from know, Tunu will still be a part of my life but he will also have not been a here for that period of time. I will always miss my son.
There will never be a time when I stop wondering about who my son could have been, what his passions were, who he was, how he would have made his mark on the world,
Grief and love go hand in hand. My love for Tunu will last forever, most people understand that. I wish they would also understand my grief for him will also last forever.
It is not a single event that has happened in my life, it is something that continues to evolve as I continue living my life and learn to grow with the grief.
Every missed Christmas, special occasions, birthdays, big moments in my life, the Halloween costumes, every time it snows, back to school, anniversary dates, watching others experience parenthood, the next generation that I will never have,
This grief will last forever and something I will and other parents who have lost a child carry forever.
It is something I with those around me would understand. Stop trying to fix it.
The Loneliness Feeling Wont Become Less, No Matter How Hard I Try To Fill It - Nothing will replace the fact that I lost a son.
I always have an empty feeling, at all times. Its an empty chair, an empty room, an empty family picture, an empty memory, it is just always empty. Never full, even in a room full of people. Even when I am surrounded by my friends and family, for example this summer at Cornwall Speedway during the Enduro I had 20+ people there but I still felt alone. Like I was missing somebody.
It always feels like something is missing - always, like I need to be looking for something else. Like I am missing something that I need to find, right now!
Time does not fill space, or make it feel less 'empty'. Worse, neither does generic b/s like "its time to move on" or "it has been so many days" - even if those words come from people I care a lot about, these words actually hurt, a lot and do nothing to fill the empty feeling I experience. Nothing really does.
After each moment passes I hope that something will fill the empty space as hard as I try to fill it but nothing does, it will remain. I will miss my son, Tunu, forever.
The only thing we hope is that those around us truly understand how hard it truly is, and accept what is true to those who have lost a child. It will last a lifetime.
I Do Not Give A Fk How Long It Has Been. Holidays Are The Worst!
I do not care how long you think I should have, or should be grieving for. Every holiday season is torture. Sometimes it feels like I would rather not be here than to experience another holiday season. Most people will never understand what that is like and anybody who goes through it is a warrior in my opinion.
Take a moment to truly imagine what that is like, especially if you are a parent. shit even if you have a pet you cherish, Imagine what some holidays and special occasions would be like with out them.
You do not have to understand what I am going through to understand how you can be supportive or even be respectful towards my situation, or anybody else that has lost a child.
Act as though the lost is still recent because no matter how hard we try, believe, or pretend the emotions are real and it feels like everything just happened all over again.
I Have Experienced The Worst Pain Imaginable, Which Means I Have Also Experienced The Highest Level Of Happiness Possible.
I know in my heart, I will grieve for Tunu for the rest of my life. As will every parent that losses a child. It never means I cannot be happy, have fun or do amazing things.
My life is a journey, and I get to experience all these things. The wins and that includes the losses. My happy moments, are powerful, just as powerful as my losses. My happiness is full of life, it has taken quite sometime for me to get here, but I do experience happiness at the highest level you could ever imagine.
My happiness brings joy to others, my happiness and any other parent who has lost a child is intense and filled with so much energy that oozes onto those who are around us.
A dark cloud does not follow us around, but there is always a storm surrounding us.
Losing a child is the worst and most unimaginable pain someone can go through, it is a vicious cycle of endless grieve and suffering. When something does happen that brings me happiness, at the begining very rare, but begining to happen more frequent, it is a type of happiness and energy that ignigites a fire inside of me that burns very hot. I feel the energy of happiness in every single ounce of my being. I become extremely grateful for the moments and find happiness in the little things that do not matter to most people.
I Have Accepted The Fact That I Will Grieve For However Long It Takes.
Just like that. That's all there is to it. I have accepted it and you should to so we can keep moving forward together.
For me, and other parents who have lost a child, there will be no 'getting over it' or naturally moving on like we do with most natural deaths and losses in our lives.
Having lost a child is our lives now. Some will display it differently but deep down we have to and we will continue to live our lives but we will forever carry the pain and burden of child-loss.
I embrace the loss of Tunu. I am not thankful for the loss of my son. I really wish he did not die, but I embrace what it has made me and the lessons it has taught me.
It has made me appreciate my life in profound way. A way that most people could not even imagine.
I live my life for Tunu. Being his father is the best thing that has ever happened to me and his death will never take that away from me. Nothing will.
- Derek.
