A Broken Arrow signifies the end of war, the act of peace. Having the arrow tied back together signifies forgiveness and understanding.
These are two things my son taught me before he passed away; he had just turned four months old. He taught me so much in his short life.
Without finding peace and understanding I would have never had the chance to meet him. I am so thankful for the short amount of time we were able to spend together. He knew who I was, we shared a few beautiful moments that I will cherish forever.
He passed away 10 days after I finally got to meet him. It was extremely difficult for me because I was not there, I lived in another community in remote Northern Canada.
My employer, at the time, moved me from the community that my son was going to be raised in. I begged them not to move me away from my son, I begged them not to move me to the community that they did, due to my own addictions, mental illness and challenges at that time. It was not a safe environment for me, let alone moving me from my son.
The very reason I went to the North was to understand why addictions, mental illness and suicide rate is so high. I wanted to see if there was anything I could do to help, to get involved. Moving me away from my child was contributing to the problem.
I had to find forgiveness and understanding in their decisions and actions so that I could remain in Remote Northern Canada, I had to keep this job so that I could remain as close to my first born child as possible.
I wanted to do the right thing for my son, no matter how hard it got for me he was going to come first. I heard other people say that before about their children, I truly understood what that meant.
Before my son was born his mother worked very hard to have me moved from her community while she was pregnant for him. It was her community, she was born and raised there. I was an outsider. It is a small Inuit community in remote Northern Canada.
We broke up shortly after she got pregnant, at first everything was ok.
We were doing the right thing, getting along great. Then things quickly changed - almost overnight.
She no longer wanted me in her community. She no longer wanted me in our (unborn at the time) sons life. She would email me telling me I have to leave the community, and that I was never going to see my son. I struggled a lot with that because I truly was doing my best to do the right thing. I did not want to run away like a lot of men from the south have before. I wanted to be there for my son no matter what.
I did not want my son growing up not knowing who I was.
She was doing everything she could to get me to leave. She began emailing and calling my work consistently causing me a lot of problems with my employer. When they brought up the idea of moving me, I begged them not to move me.
Specifically the community they had suggested. I begged them not to send me there because it was not a 'dry community'. Understanding my own addictions and mental health it would be difficult not to replace in that type of environment, with the isolation as well as the additional stress of being so far from my son.
I understood where this was coming from. I understood hurt people, hurt people. My sons mother was going through a lot, she had been through a lot. I would imagine the poor girl was terrified. Whatever it was, I understood it, I would not let it prevent me from being there for my son. Moving me to another community across the province would create a much big challenge for me.
They claimed it was in part due to the pressure from her, but also a retention and housing situation - I was given 10 days notice I would be moving to the very community I begged not to go.
I cannot remain 100% innocent, it is important that when finding forgiveness you also find it for yourself.
From that moment I found out I was being moved I was extremely upset. At my employer, and my sons mother for causing me so many problems; when I was doing my best to do the right thing.
We said some hateful things towards each other, we were stressing each other out a lot. I knew this was not healthy for our unborn child.
I knew deep down this girl was hurting, although my situation sucked I had to continue doing what I could to be there for my son. I had to understand what she was also going through. It could not have been easy.
I began doing what I could to help her, and not go against her anymore.
I would send her money, gifts, and things our son was going to need.
She going to be the mother of my first born child. The most beautiful thing anyone could ever give me. Regardless of how she felt about me, or how I felt about her that was our son, and we were going to figure out how to raise him together.
We were not best friends, but we got along. I understood where all her anger towards me came from. She understood mine.
We were excited to be having a son.
After our son was born we continued to remain friendly.
She would send me pictures every other day, tell me how he is, what he is like. Some of the funny things he was doing. I love it, but it hurt me a lot because I was not able to experience it.
She called me at work one day to thank me for sending her money. In that conversation she said 'im not sure when you are going to meet your son' - he would be turning 4 months old in a few weeks.
My worked owed me a round trip flight and vacation time. I had suggested we use the flight for her to come see me so I could meet my son.
Not something I ever thought she would actually do. Something she never through about, something I never through about. It was just an idea. I never thought she would actually get on the airplane and come.
She had a lot of pressure and people in her corner in regards to me. She was told by many people she should not come. To worry about what I was going to do.
I owe her a lot for trusting me, and believing that all I wanted was to do the right thing for our son. She found forgiveness and Understanding towards me and the things I did for our son.
She got on that airplane and allowed me the opportunity to meet and spend time with my son. I know it took a lot of courage for her to do that. EVERYBODY was telling her not to do it. That I was going to take him, or hurt him, or allow something bad to happen. So many negative scenarios would have played out in her mind.
She left our son with me for 3 days while she stayed at a friends house.
It was the best 3 days of my life.
Without finding forgiveness and understanding for everything that happened between us. If we continued the fighting and not putting our son first I would have never met him.
10 days later I would get the worst news anyone could ever hear.
Your son passed away.
I still struggle finding forgiveness and understanding for the employer for moving me. One man particularly made that decision without thinking about the consequences it may have. One day I hope to find forgiveness in that.
